iheartboy:

iheartboy:

Update;

http://heartlesssleeves.tumblr.com/
That's the place to go to these days. My most used blog so..... If you'd like to creep me a bit more, I suggest you do it there.

- jfermssssssssssssssssss

You can now find me here;

http://heartbreaksandillfate.tumblr.com/

> same name, new things, new places.

I love life.

Wanna know why I can't stand my music class? Because I can't even consider myself as a real musician anymore. When you stop taking lessons, listening to everyone talk about it and play ticks me off, makes me self conscious, because I can't join them, because I'm the odd one out. I can't even play my flute "amazingly" or to anyone's standards but my own, I can't even count guitar to my list of instruments that I play, neither can I count piano, or the viola, since I just started that. I have no idea why I'm in the arts program for music. I know I have a passion for it, but how can I show that when I can't? I want to start piano lessons again, I'd LOVE if I could, but apparently, it's too much of a "difficult" situation to do... Thanks life. I just want to be more than I can be. I remember the day before the first day of high school, I quit piano a couple months before that, I practiced so hard that night because I didn't know what I was up against, or if I even had talent anymore. I'm an idiot. I don't know why I continually put myself down like this, probably because it motivates me to be better than I think I am. I've still got dreams, and fire in my veins, so I'm still gonna continue to live my life because it's the only one I've got. I guess that's the only thing that's keeping me happy, and the excitement of getting a tattoo, but that's just starting to wear off....

Luke Worrall

I'm feeling typical. High school's sort of growing on me, I could do without the homework though....

I can't believe you would just lie to me in my face? I'M NOT 7, I CAN HANDLE THE HARD TRUTH. Sorry for the caps, I swear, that was on accident. Anyways, I was just so pissed off earlier, I'm better now, my music is calming me down, the usual. I think I'm actually going to start a band, I'm just going to do it, whoever wants in, you're in! I've got an assignment due tomorrow, but I have no idea what it's on... Wish me luck!

;

Since I haven't blogged since the first week of school, I've decided to just blog now. Anyways, lately, I've been going out of my head, blowing everything way out of proportion. I've actually started to do my homework at home and not during lunch at school now. I feel like I'm morphing, but I don't care. I don't care if I'm not filling anybodies standards but my own. I'm sorry if I'm letting you down, but I don't want to be the one that's down, so I'll keep pushing myself up until I feel better. Which is probably light years away. I'm pretty sure no one would understand this blog post, but that's fine, because no one has to understand it but me. I've been doing more of well.... not expected things. I'm such a dreamer that it scares me. I don't understand myself. I'm able to embarrass myself, look like a fool, act weird, but I'm unable to present myself to others in public, when everyone's eyes are focused on you, when it's so quiet compared to the usual chatty buzz. I can't handle it! I can't handle most of my life right now. School is being such a bummer for me these days, I'm not really enjoying my music class- my previously FAVORITE class of the day- and I don't know why. Even when I try to put a smile on and try to tell myself that's it's okay, it's not. I don't know why. It's not even the teachers, or the people in my class, I guess It's me. I'm just not blending anymore. I guess for so long, I've been lying to myself, saying that I'm wanted, that I'm okay, but really, I'm not. I feel like transferring schools, but I've don't got any guts to do it. I wish I had guts, or developed a huge mass of courage, I'm scared that I've got none. That I'll live the rest of my life being a huge dreamer inside, dreaming up a storm, while on the outside, I'll just be living a shy, timid life. I'm making this post super long again, and that annoys me. My apologies. I really should pour out all this emotion into a story or something like I used to, I'm having trouble writing songs again, that annoys me too. I'm just going to have to wake up from dreaming sooner or later and open my eyes to the sad, but true reality around me, then maybe I'll learn more value about my life.

Happy last day of the first week!

So the last day of the first week of school has come to a closing, we can no longer say "school just started!" or "I miss summer". We are officially breaking into the school year. Whoop-de-do, no body likes the school year unless you have tons of friends or you have OCD and are obsessed with school and homework. I'll admit, I despise school, only because I fail at it, and I'm Asian. Is that even possible? Maybe I am actually half white, I mean "Fermo"? That's a pretty white name if you ask me... How does an Asian person get 61% in math WHILE THEY'RE GETTING TUTORED? Maybe I'm just not meant for school, or maybe I should just stop daydreaming and talking and actually listen to the lessons... Anyways, as the school year progresses, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know that I won't be seeing that light as soon as the words Public and Speaking come into contact with each other....

xxxooo, jessica f

Ps. Visit my tumblr! ; www.heartbreaksandillfate.tumblr.com

I never realized how quickly everything passes by....

No one usually likes the first day back to school, and I'm no exception. I've got homework on the first day! Ugh! I guess I just forgot all about what you do in school because my summer was amazing, even though I didn't see anyone from school like all summer, it was amazing. So my schedule consists of; History, Science, Music (No DeCastro!?!?!?!?!?!), and English. I'm not liking some of my sched, but I'm sure I'll get used to it- I hope. My old favorite teacher for music now teaches the niners and the grade elevens. I'm starting to hate these niners too. So uncool. My new arts music teacher's okay, but hey, he's no Nuno. I'm just so stressed, back to school isn't helping. And those 2 assignments I recieved today isn't swell either. It's going to be a long year, but like the title to this post; I won't even realize how quickly it will fade. I'm going to stop slacking and actually work on my assignment.... Wow, that's the first time I said that, let's see if it lives through.

Ps. A new year means a new change- for the better? We can only hope. I'm not going to become an image hopper, but maybe I'll just show my "true colors".... I make myself laugh with my blunt sarcasm.

xxxooo, jessica f

life is a bizznatch, but it's usually worth it. Just like line ups. You don't kow how, when, why, or what, but it happens, you'll find the meaning of your life, even if you don't want to. I'm still searching, but I'm not doing a very good job. I feel like a lot of the time my life is meaningless. Useful sometimes, but still meaningless. I'm going to do an entire blog remake and then maybe I'll jsut move my entire blog down to tumblr. Or keep both like right now. Blogs are getting overrated but diaries hurt your arm when you write too much. I feel very confused right now, happy, but confused- and a bit sad. Summer is ending, tonight is the last night of Summer and I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do. School is just a day away and I was excited, but now I'm just waiting for a new start. My father dropped some really suprising news on me this past week. It's funny how serious he was, I'm happy that he told us. I'm estatic for a new start, the idea makes me smile, fills me with happiness and anxiousness at the same time. That feeling you get before you go on a roller coaster, you love it, but you hate it at the same time. I'm going off right now, but I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I wish I can say that and mean it, but I'm only human, everyone cares what others think, if they said that they didn't, they'd be lying. Just like saying you;ve never peed in the shower, everyone does it, so why bother lying? Sure it makes you seem better than others, but in the end, we're all equal. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm trying to reach out to myself, because I feel like parts of me just keep leaving, all the layers are coming off and I'm trying to find the core, but it's so deep inside that it's almost lost. I had an entire life plan, an entire goal, dream, but I don't know what's going to happen anymore. I'm a wanderer an old dreamer, where do you go in life when all you do is dream of the life you want, but will never have? I don't want to fade in the crowd, neither do I want to stand out. Is there a way to stay in between, or am I just thinking to much? I'm writing to much, and to tell you the truth, I don't know why, I don't know what started my latest rant and I don't know why anyone would chose to read it. After this, I'll re-read my entire post and think to myself of what a loser I am, that's okay though, I enjoy my perspective. I hate to be a hypocrite and I'd hate to say it but why do people act like someone they're not? Maybe if they were just whom they really are, life wouldn't be so tough. Maybe that's the meaning of life, maybe God just likes to continually test us. I hope I'm passing, I really do. But I was never good at tests. Bible camp changed my entire perspective. I'm still the same, but I'm totally different. I'm still ranting. Sorry to whomever cares. And sorry to those whom don't. I'm also sorry for those who don't have faith, for those who have to hide behind a mask, for those whom are 2 different people, for those who try to be cool, for those who think they're doing everyone a favor- but they're making everything worse, for those who choose to be followers because they're too scared to be leaders, for those who try to hard, for those who feel they'll never be accepted, for those who hate their lives, for those who think they'll never be worth anything, for those who're so vulnerable to the world. The truth is, I'm all of those, but I'm not sorry for myself. Eveyone's all of those, or was. The world is just so confusing, so amazing and so depressing. Just like life. The highgs and lows are never gone, it's a never ending roller coaster that no one chooses to go on, but are forced on. Nobody chose to be here, but the man upstairs decided for them, he planned their entire lives before we were born. I sound like a major apostle, but that's okay, I'm done with hiding who I am, including my faith. I don't care if I seem lame, I don't care if people will mock me or make fun of me. This is their heaven, I'll get to see the real thing.

xxxooo, jessica f

JB

So, last night, I attended the Jonas Brothers concert and live@much. It was crazy, more than half a million people were at the concert. They did a couple of covers, I'll upload those videos later. I thought the show was like last years Burning Up tour, Demi Lovato surprised the crowd, I kind of thought she would sing more than "This is me" but whatever. Honor Society performed, and the Wondergirls, along with Jordin Sparks. Overall, I enjoyed the show, concert hype always kicks in. I'll post more as soon as I feel like it, enjoy these bad quality pictures taken from my bad quality camera, I need a new one ASAP!









xxxooo, jessica f

I feel like everything's been slipping through my fingers. I'm slowly loosing everything I had, but I'm not giving a crap about it. I'm just going to have to wave goodbye to all the old and say hello to all the new. I don't care if you don't like it, that's your own opinion. Moving on to a lighter note; I'm going to the JB concert tomorrow. I've developed a feeling of true joy, but at the same time, fake longing. I don't know what I'm in for, but I'm paying and playing anyway. I'm going to stop shopping at XXI because they are beginning to open it everywhere. Therefore, it won't be as exclusive as it was. Am I being selfish? Maybe, but that's just one persons opinion. I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve and I'm ready to release them. Ready or not, here I come.

xxxooo, jessica f

I'm coming back like I never left. So, let's pick it off from when I last posted! Okay, I've been gone to Maine for a week for "bible" camp and honestly, it was AMAZING. I LOVE Americans. That is all. BUT, I've provided some entertainment, as usual. Enjoy!





http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=298759&id=693980260&l=a6e1f41829
You can view my pickies from the above link. Enjoy teenies!

xxxooo, jessica f

I'm leaving for camp in 4 days, how exciting. Anywho, I've been making tons of lists of things I need and things that I want to do. I'm going back to my dreamer days. So, 3 things I'd really like for my birthday (in a month);

Just because pop art is amazing and Andy Warhol is genius. And I want a really cool vintage camera.

Just because William is gone and I miss him, but I also miss my music.

I'm really enjoying my old one that I found and I kinda really want this version, just because.

I have an account at UO, I didn't even realize. LAWLS, okay, so this list WAS filled with sunglasses and shizznazz but I'm remaking it so just because (it's a month until my birthday). Har har har, maybe I will have a party, just because :)
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/user/wishlist.jsp?showsearch=true&_requestid=504103

xxxooo, jessica f

Not gonna lie, these girls are kinda cool.Andy Warhol, pure genius, and one cool cat.She's pretty talented, and she's got a face to match that talent. :)Katy Perry, def not one of the boys.I actually kinda like her. She's got some major guts.

Spectacular!

I haven't blogged in a while and I just felt like adding a couple of photos for you all to stare at, admire or do whatever you'd like with. Anyways, toodles chickpee's, I'm outttt ;) !

xxxooo, jessica f

Hello world! I'm not in a bitter mood right now, so that's a good thing. Anywho, I've been enjoying my summer tons, although this weeks I've just been home... I'd like to go somewhere though, like California or Miami, that would be nice. So, I'm just wasting time, I've missed being an obsessive blogger, I think I'll start again... Okay! I'm snoozing too, don't worry,

xxxooo, jessica f

Am I happy? I'll answer yes, but then it makes you wonder, what is happiness? Ultimately, no one's happy all the time and life is nothing but pain and lies.

xxxooo, jessica f

Here's a word of advice that EVERYONE should take, seriously;
Don't be something/someone you're not.
It's a giant pissoff a lot of the time. Don't keep changing yourself, that's even more annoying.

And a word to upcoming niners;
High school isn't what it's like in the movies. Don't be worried or scared, that's what screws everything up. Be yourself, no one likes fakes. Exams aren't hard. Stop being all annoying and ninerish. Stop talking about being a niner, and don't try to be cool. Kay. thanks.

I'm bitter right now, that's only because I'm annoyed.
I'm not sorry.

"Don't care what other people think, it just wastes time."
I'm prepared for a new start. I crave one. I hope for one. I want to move. I've done it before, no one remembered me, and I plan on doing it again. I'm already quickly forgotten, and it's proven. I just want to waltz in and for everyone to be like "Who's that?". The new girl. She always get's a new start. Who getts to pick their reputation. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting again. I'm sensitive, I admit to that. Summer is AMAZING, don't get me wrong. I'd just liked to be remembered once in a while... Whatever, you know what they say, if you can't join them, beat them.

I was weak, I am strong. I was meak, I am wrong.
I was poor, I am me. I will conquer, I will be.

I'm lame, and I know that too. I just hope by this time next year, I'll be in VA and not here...

xxxooo